ugly people sure do ruin things
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
