I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
zippers are such a cool invention
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
