omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
