Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
