allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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