I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
