Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
