I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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