That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I did not marry a roomba.
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