His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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