dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
