I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
