don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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