My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I had to cum in my sink.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
