Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
