I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
