he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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