I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
