I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
