So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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