Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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