I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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