Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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