So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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