you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
