my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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