I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
