2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
