I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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