dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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