you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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