Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
