I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
