is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
