That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
