hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
