If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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