i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
