distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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