She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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