I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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