I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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