I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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