Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
