haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
