The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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