I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
