I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
