When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
