the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
