somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
