I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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