my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
