Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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