So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
