there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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