I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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