i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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