I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
