awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
