Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
