do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
