Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
