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Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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